Friday, 31 May 2013


I have a solution for the bovine TB conundrum: slaughter all the cattle and farm badgers instead. This would keep the bunny-huggers happy, free up vast tracts of land for more productive use and legalise badger hams which, according to a game-keeping acquaintance of mine, are delicious.

 No sensible person would miss cow's milk. Tea and coffee taste better black; milk chocolate is revolting. So far as cheese is concerned there are plenty of alternatives to our native varieties. Gorgonzola, for example, is infinitely preferable to Stilton and the Canadians make a perfectly acceptable, if slightly bland, cheddar. Anyway, Stilton producers could always switch to ewe's milk and try to emulate the excellence of Roquefort.

The Corns would probably miss their clotted cream. Even if they didn't they'd certainly have a moan. Perhaps we could give them their independence by way of consolation and get rid of them once and for all. (Don't get me going on the subject of the Scots...)

The land freed up by the demise of the mooing grass-munchers could be used to provide homes for retired traffic wardens, or for farming wind turbines or for building fortified compounds for the tens of thousands of Afghan translators who are about to invade us any minute now. (I read that in The Daily Mail so it's bound to be true.)

 Something else has just occurred to me: has anyone ever tried to milk badger sows on a commercial basis? Just a thought.

 (I have to own up to telling a small lie. I have never read The Daily bloody Mail in my life and have no intention of starting now even though I'm in my dotage.)

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